If you are truly looking for love and want to find the person you can spend the rest of your life with, remember that it is YOU who create compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for establishing a good relationship with another person.
All of us as social beings have a deep, underlying desire to find that perfect person with whom we can spend the rest of our lives together. The person with whom you encounter an irrational feeling of kinship and an attraction that cannot be controlled. As if you have known this person all your life. Movies and soap operas have romanticized this search for and encounter with a soul mate. But what do we really know about the perfect couple and the perfect partner??
Dating sites and applications try to convince us that the algorithms they come up with may help you find a perfect match, saying it will be a man whose "parameters" are similar to yours.
This sounds very appealing for many reasons. First, we naturally want to be with someone who shares the same values as we do, and perhaps even someone who enjoys similar activities, such as rock climbing. Second, it seems logical to look for another person who also wants to have a family and children someday. Finally, as social beings, deep down we crave love so much that we are willing to convince ourselves of anything to fill the void in our hearts.
All of this makes the arguments of dating sites more valid, but here's the question: how good are relationships based on similar interests really are, and how long do they last??
Professor Ted Hudson of the University of Texas conducted a longitudinal study of couples who had been married for years, and the results came as a surprise to him. "My research showed that compatibility has no effect on whether a couple is happy or unhappy," the scientist says.
He explains his point: spouses who are warm and good with each other don't care about compatibility. These couples say that the main thing that helps their relationship is not personal compatibility, but themselves. But when unhappy couples were asked about the compatibility problem, they all said that compatibility is extremely important to a marriage. Unfortunately, they thought their partner wasn't right for them. Professor Hudson explains: when an unhappy couple says "we're not compatible," they really mean "we don't get along very well.".
Here's where the compatibility problem comes in: anyone who is unhappy with their relationship naturally blames incompatibility. These people do not realize that a good relationship does not depend on being similar to each other, but on the desire and will to stay in the relationship.
We can observe this pattern in consensual marriages: according to an international study of happiness, such marriages last longer and people feel happier in them. Maybe it's because these couples don't have the option of divorce, as in the U.S? No, says the study, it's because they prefer to stay in a relationship rather than look for "someone better," or someone they think is better suited for them.
Stanford University Sociology Professor Michael J. K. Hughes, who is a professor of sociology at Stanford University, says the study is not about the other person. Rosenfeld explains that parental collusion marriages are not so different from love relationships that exist in the Western world. Rather, it's a matter of cultural differences. Americans value autonomy more than anything else-they want the freedom to choose their mate. But people in the West more often fall into the trap of choice: when relationships don't work out the way you'd like them to, there is always a conscious or unconscious search on the side of someone else. And that's where the illusion of compatibility comes into play.
The criteria for a good relationship
Thus, building a relationship with the other person depends on you and on the other person. Compatibility plays virtually no role here. But if we can't rely on this criterion, what can we rely on to find "the right person??
Professor John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, says it's impossible to predict how good and long a relationship will be based on what the spouses are like in character, what their hobbies are, and so on. John Gottman found that relationships of couples who focused on building something meaningful together (e.g., starting a business together) lasted the longest. How spouses interact in a couple is the most important aspect of the relationship. In other words, finding and maintaining a good relationship depends not on who you are or what you do, but on how you talk to each other, how well you get along, and how you experience different times together.
A good relationship is when your partner supports your cherished dreams. When he admires you and respects you. It's not just about how the other seems to us, but about how connected we are emotionally. In a good relationship, partners respond to the emotional needs of the other. Or, as John Gottman says: "You are as interesting to your partner as he is to you? You need to constantly turn to each other in order to understand the other better and get to know each other better.
Who creates compatibility
If you are truly looking for love and want to find the right person to spend the rest of your life with, remember that it is YOU who create compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for establishing a good close relationship with another person. Yes, you need someone you will like, with whom you have a sense of kinship, but that's just a small slice of the pie called a "good long term relationship".
Author: Louis Reuben de Borbon
If you are truly looking for love and want to find the person you can spend the rest of your life with, remember that it is YOU who create compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for establishing a good relationship with another person.
All of us as social beings have a deep, underlying desire to find that perfect person with whom we can spend the rest of our lives together. The person with whom you encounter an irrational feeling of kinship and an attraction that cannot be controlled. As if you have known this person all your life. Movies and soap operas have romanticized this search for and encounter with a soul mate. But what do we really know about the perfect couple and the perfect partner??
Dating sites and applications try to convince us that the algorithms they come up with may help you find a perfect match, saying it will be a man whose "parameters" are similar to yours.
This sounds very appealing for many reasons. First, we naturally want to be with someone who shares the same values as we do, and perhaps even someone who enjoys similar activities, such as rock climbing. Second, it seems logical to look for another person who also wants to have a family and children someday. Finally, as social beings, deep down we crave love so much that we are willing to convince ourselves of anything to fill the void in our hearts.
All of this makes the arguments of dating sites more valid, but here's the question: how good are relationships based on similar interests really are, and how long do they last??
Professor Ted Hudson of the University of Texas conducted a longitudinal study of couples who had been married for years, and the results came as a surprise to him. "My research showed that compatibility has no effect on whether a couple is happy or unhappy," the scientist says.
He explains his point: spouses who are warm and good with each other don't care about compatibility. These couples say that the main thing that helps their relationship is not personal compatibility, but themselves. But when unhappy couples were asked about the compatibility problem, they all said that compatibility is extremely important to a marriage. Unfortunately, they thought their partner wasn't right for them. Professor Hudson explains: when an unhappy couple says "we're not compatible," they really mean "we don't get along very well.".
Here's where the compatibility problem comes in: anyone who is unhappy with their relationship naturally blames incompatibility. These people do not realize that a good relationship does not depend on being similar to each other, but on the desire and will to stay in the relationship.
We can observe this pattern in consensual marriages: according to an international study of happiness, such marriages last longer and people feel happier in them. Maybe it's because these couples don't have the option of divorce, as in the U.S? No, says the study, it's because they prefer to stay in a relationship rather than look for "someone better," or someone they think is better suited for them.
Stanford University Sociology Professor Michael J. K. Hughes, who is a professor of sociology at Stanford University, says the study is not about the other person. Rosenfeld explains that parental collusion marriages are not so different from love relationships that exist in the Western world. Rather, it's a matter of cultural differences. Americans value autonomy more than anything else-they want the freedom to choose their mate. But people in the West more often fall into the trap of choice: when relationships don't work out the way you'd like them to, there is always a conscious or unconscious search on the side of someone else. And that's where the illusion of compatibility comes into play.
The criteria for a good relationship
Thus, building a relationship with the other person depends on you and on the other person. Compatibility plays virtually no role here. But if we can't rely on this criterion, what can we rely on to find "the right person??
Professor John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, says it's impossible to predict how good and long a relationship will be based on what the spouses are like in character, what their hobbies are, and so on. John Gottman found that relationships of couples who focused on building something meaningful together (e.g., starting a business together) lasted the longest. How spouses interact in a couple is the most important aspect of the relationship. In other words, finding and maintaining a good relationship depends not on who you are or what you do, but on how you talk to each other, how well you get along, and how you experience different times together.
A good relationship is when your partner supports your cherished dreams. When he admires you and respects you. It's not just about how the other seems to us, but about how connected we are emotionally. In a good relationship, partners respond to the emotional needs of the other. Or, as John Gottman says: "You are as interesting to your partner as he is to you? You need to constantly turn to each other in order to understand the other better and get to know each other better.
Who creates compatibility
If you are truly looking for love and want to find the right person to spend the rest of your life with, remember that it is YOU who create compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for establishing a good close relationship with another person. Yes, you need someone you will like, with whom you have a sense of kinship, but that's just a small slice of the pie called a "good long term relationship".
Author: Louis Reuben de Borbon