None of us is perfect, and everyone behaves in ways that are uncomfortable to be around from time to time. Just as our loved ones from time to time are in such states, and we are uncomfortable with them already.
Imagine this situation. A wife picks up her husband after work, he gets in the car, asks her how she's doing, and she's so abrupt: "Fine!!!". For symmetry, imagine another situation. A wife calls her husband and asks him to pick her up from work, and he's so abrupt on the phone, "Okay!!!". People who have encountered this harshness understandably don't like it. I've never met people who like it when someone close to them behaves badly and takes it out on them.
How do those who are confronted with this harshness feel in these situations??
There are different ways to be, and here I want to talk about one of the options - it is not as rare as we would like, and is very dangerous for relationships.
Imagine that in the first situation, the husband would consider himself unjustly offended and would be sharply offended back. Or make some snide remark. Or somehow else try to hurt his spouse. In the second situation the same thing would happen to the wife.
Why did they do it? Because proceeding from the presumption of the partner's guilt. That is, the presumption that a man behaves so sharply just because he is the spawn of hell, or somewhere close to it.
In psychology, this is called the fundamental attribution error. This is an exaggeration of the influence of personality traits and an understatement of the influence of the situation on behavior.
We believe that a loved one should not behave this way, and if he allows himself to do so, it means that he is not a loved one at all, but only pretended to be, a dishonest double-crosser!
The problem here is that none of us are perfect, and everyone behaves in a way that is uncomfortable to be around from time to time. Equally, our loved ones would be in such states from time to time, and we are already uncomfortable with them.
The presumption of guilt in these cases provokes conflicts from which it is difficult to get out, because everyone feels unjustly offended.
For example, in the first situation, the wife will also feel unfairly offended, because her harshness was not intentional - just a lousy day, and also a toothache. And in this state she also got a hit from her husband. So there will be these two good people waiting for the other one to dare to go along and apologize. Sooner or later it will happen, but the evening is likely to be lost.
Is there any other way?? Yes, of course. You have to use the presumption of innocence. That is to say, when a loved one has snapped at you like that, it's wise not to attack in response, but to ask what, they say, happened.
That is exactly what the husband can do in the first situation: "Honey, something has happened?". And in the second situation, your wife might say, "Honey, something's happened?".
Not necessarily in these words, of course, but the idea is. The presumption of innocence in relationships suggests that as long as a loved one's malicious intent is unspoken, their harsh reaction is simply an unfortunate accident, an unintentional act, without any malice.
I have used this approach many times. When a loved one (any kind - a friend, for example), behaves like this abruptly, I ask, "Did something happen? And it immediately brings communication back to a civilized and friendly way.
It's the same in reverse - since I'm a living person, I can also be inappropriately harsh. Questioning instead of attacking (the presumption of innocence instead of the presumption of guilt) immediately sobered up and put communication back on a civilized and friendly track.
I am sure if people used the presumption of innocence more often in relationships (and less often the presumption of guilt), there would be more happy relationships.
Author: Pavel Zygmantovich
None of us is perfect, and everyone behaves in ways that are uncomfortable to be around from time to time. Just as our loved ones from time to time are in such states, and we are uncomfortable with them already.
Imagine this situation. A wife picks up her husband after work, he gets in the car, asks her how she's doing, and she's so abrupt: "Fine!!!". For symmetry, imagine another situation. A wife calls her husband and asks him to pick her up from work, and he's so abrupt on the phone, "Okay!!!". People who have encountered this harshness understandably don't like it. I've never met people who like it when someone close to them behaves badly and takes it out on them.
How do those who are confronted with this harshness feel in these situations??
There are different ways to be, and here I want to talk about one of the options - it is not as rare as we would like, and is very dangerous for relationships.
Imagine that in the first situation, the husband would consider himself unjustly offended and would be sharply offended back. Or make some snide remark. Or somehow else try to hurt his spouse. In the second situation the same thing would happen to the wife.
Why did they do it? Because proceeding from the presumption of the partner's guilt. That is, the presumption that a man behaves so sharply just because he is the spawn of hell, or somewhere close to it.
In psychology, this is called the fundamental attribution error. This is an exaggeration of the influence of personality traits and an understatement of the influence of the situation on behavior.
We believe that a loved one should not behave this way, and if he allows himself to do so, it means that he is not a loved one at all, but only pretended to be, a dishonest double-crosser!
The problem here is that none of us are perfect, and everyone behaves in a way that is uncomfortable to be around from time to time. Equally, our loved ones would be in such states from time to time, and we are already uncomfortable with them.
The presumption of guilt in these cases provokes conflicts from which it is difficult to get out, because everyone feels unjustly offended.
For example, in the first situation, the wife will also feel unfairly offended, because her harshness was not intentional - just a lousy day, and also a toothache. And in this state she also got a hit from her husband. So there will be these two good people waiting for the other one to dare to go along and apologize. Sooner or later it will happen, but the evening is likely to be lost.
Is there any other way?? Yes, of course. You have to use the presumption of innocence. That is to say, when a loved one has snapped at you like that, it's wise not to attack in response, but to ask what, they say, happened.
That is exactly what the husband can do in the first situation: "Honey, something has happened?". And in the second situation, your wife might say, "Honey, something's happened?".
Not necessarily in these words, of course, but the idea is. The presumption of innocence in relationships suggests that as long as a loved one's malicious intent is unspoken, their harsh reaction is simply an unfortunate accident, an unintentional act, without any malice.
I have used this approach many times. When a loved one (any kind - a friend, for example), behaves like this abruptly, I ask, "Did something happen? And it immediately brings communication back to a civilized and friendly way.
It's the same in reverse - since I'm a living person, I can also be inappropriately harsh. Questioning instead of attacking (the presumption of innocence instead of the presumption of guilt) immediately sobered up and put communication back on a civilized and friendly track.
I am sure if people used the presumption of innocence more often in relationships (and less often the presumption of guilt), there would be more happy relationships.
Author: Pavel Zygmantovich